Sunday, October 29, 2017

Shame, confidence & becoming useful

This post may be long, but then again it could be short. All I knew when I began typing this evening it that I wanted it to be something I could either one day look back on and remember a time where I could see myself going through some type of transition. Which if you are one of my readers (if I even have any of those out there still interested enough to keep up with this stuff then maybe you’ll find it of interest too, but then maybe not haha) you know that’s why I started this whole blog situation in the beginning as a way to look back later, in the future.

Anyway, this year, I’ve been working on myself — as much as I’d like to say I’d been doing that all of my life, I probably haven’t. I would say that things prior to this year, I was getting there, but maybe just not quite ready to really buckle down and work on ME. So I started with I thought was the single most important part of me to work on which was focusing on the shape of my soul. It’s in my belief that you are only as good as your soul is.

My relationship with my higher power is pretty important, so it was relevant for me to get that relationship to a more solid ground. I come from a pretty solid background of religion and I grew up going to church. I’ve always felt close to God but I just knew I needed more. To get real, I just knew it was time for me to start cleaning up the mess or maybe stop creating the mess...

In life we make messes, and when we make messes we don’t want to face others. Sometimes our messes are harmless, sometimes our messes hurt others, and sometimes our messes hurt ourselves. So we spend our time trying to cover up the messes, because we are ashamed. We hope nobody asks us too many questions, because that opens up doors to our lives we don’t feel comfortable talking about, because of our shame. I’m familiar with those types of messes.

When I began to start focusing on my relationship with God this year, it was like the messes in my life in my memory were in bold print and highlighted with bright yellow so I wouldn’t forget them. Each time I would feel a little closer to God, I’d either create another mess or remember another mess out of shame. Shame quiets people down, it quieted me down. But what I’m still learning is that it doesn’t necessarily have to.

As I started working on my relationship with God, due to my own messes and shame I began to lack confidence. Confidence in speaking to others, sharing with them, I don’t know about certain things I’d dealt with or even overcome because of Gods love and this all because of my stupid messes. What I find cool about God’s love is that he accepts me and brokenness- the mess- the shame- the guilt. And despite my mess ups he’s like "hey, you’re good, someone needs to hear that story, someone needs to learn from it, make yourself useful for my glory."

Recently, I jumped into this small group of women on Tuesday evenings, I realized quick that I'm still lacking in confidence to share with these women. However, after we met that evening, I prayed about it more and feel like maybe I'll make myself more useful moving forward. I'm hopeful there. What I will share with you guys is something I do feel really proud of  that I've seen a transformation in over the past year is the growth in my relationships. Not only with my husband, or close friends, those have been greatly enriched, but what I'm really proud to say that I'm finally working on is growing with the relationships within my family. This is the part that was a bit of a tough spot for me, I think I could of probably just kept on living life, kept going like it was going but I prayed about the relationships within my family that have been broken for a seemingly long time. God gave me some ways to approach these relationships and I'm proud to say that I am hopeful that one day they won't be so broken. I'm not saying we will be the Brady bunch, but I think we will be less broken, there are some key people within the family I'm talking about here that I know that want this too and I know God can make this happen. I do think God has the ability to transform these once broken relationships into beautiful united bonds so I'm looking forward to seeing what is in store for our family.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

and these are a few of my favorite things...

There's something that changes in the atmosphere when you get the Fernandez kids together. I don't know why I say "kids" because they are all adults now. But I think we, as humans, tend to act like our younger selves when we are around the people we grew up. That's what happens with Will, Alana and Travis when they get together. The air fills with continuous laughter, voices raise in volume with excitement,  and you sense a bond has been created that if you haven't experienced in your lifetime you realize that you very much want to be a part of. What's great about the Fernandez folks is that they will welcome you with open arms. Before you know it, you too will be sharing "remember when" stories and exchanging "this is what life is about" glances when the right moment presents itself.

Every second Friday, Norman has an art walk on Main street. Different artists will showcase their art in stores on main street, restaurants will open their doors to the public and sell their food, and musically talented individuals line the sidewalks and play their tunes. At the end of the street there is a huge open space where food trucks set up and other local artist sell their jewelry, soaps, candles and artwork. Will and I love stuff like this, Alana had mentioned wanting to check it out while she was in town so we met her, Keifer, Travis, Amber and Davis downtown to walk it out. It was a beautiful evening admiring all the goodies and spending time with our family. We decided to go see Rocky & Mike (two guys who played at in our wedding band) play music. Crazy thing, Rocky let people come up and sing with him, and I kid you not, every single person who sang with him wasn't just good but they were like GOOD. It was wild. Must have been a friday the 13th kind of deal, or maybe there are a lot of people residing in Oklahoma who are not following their dream and need to look into signing up to a show they call THE VOICE.

It's true what "they" say, as you get older, you tend to rise earlier. I was awake by eight on Saturday morning. The only other person in my house awake was my Shoba puppuh-dog. I got up and showered and then tippy-toed around the house, tried to read a book (which never really happens when I'm excited) and then decided I'm not that great at being quiet so I decided to get out of the house for a minute. I drove to get a couple of things for breakfast, grabbed an iced coffee, then headed back to the house. By the time I got back Will had managed to wake up, then Alana Donna came downstairs shortly after. We took Shobey on a walk and showed Alana the neighborhood. Once we got back, we enjoyed some coffee/morning back patio time and then before we knew it Lindsey was knocking at the door. Thank goodness Lindsey made it there earlier because she helped me make hash browns, I've never been able to knock those out for some reason. You'd think they'd be easy, but nope, not even a little bit. haha. I also whipped up some breakfast burritos for everyone with a side of mimosas. Before too long, it was game time in Oklahoma so we made our way over to Louie's to watch it. Once OU beat Texas we headed back to our house, we spent the evening playing a card game, catch phrase and foosball.... typical Fernandez night.

By my next statement, you'll probably realize by my third visit in the past five weeks that I'm officially feeling a little obsessed with The Jones Assembly and it's because I kind of am. I wanted Alana to see the place so I made reservations for a late brunch for everyone. Gosh, I'm just so impressed with their tasty food and cocktails. I literally just can't say enough good things about them and always look forward to going back. ( I'm already looking forward to going back at the end of the month for our first show there) As we were all passing around our plates and enjoying our food, I sat back and smiled because all of these people with all of their beauty and despite their differences bring something so unique and special to the table which makes us all family. The remainder of the afternoon we hung out on the patio, ran into Nick Collison , and by ran into I mean, he and his wife just happened to walk in to lunch while we were all there on the patio, and we didn't say hi because we are nobody's to them and we are normal people and respect their privacy haha.

We said our goodbyes, but we vowed to spend more time together, as we get older we know this is what we all want and need and it is what is most important. Luckily, we will get to do just that this year starting with Thanksgiving. Family is so important and I'm so happy to have married a man who has formed such an incredible bond with his little sister and brother. These three individuals are some of the most vibrant, fun, loving, and tight knit individuals I know.