Thursday, June 26, 2014

Throwin' back on this Thursday


“There is an emptiness inside of me -- a void that will never be filled. No one in your life will ever love you as your mother does. There is no love as pure, unconditional and strong as a mother's love. And I will never be loved that way again.” - Hope Edelman




Lately I have been missing my mom, and when I say lately I am talking the last 13 years. But as I get older it hits me any and every where. I'll be eating lunch and I see something that reminds me of her and I begin to cry. Now, if you know me, you know I'm not a cryer and this is not a normal thing when the water works begin to flow. It's uncomfortable for me but I cannot help it when it comes to my mom. On this day, 13 years ago, it didn't click, my life would never be close to the same from that moment on. I knew it would change, I just couldn't have imagined how much I would need her and yearn for that mother/daughter relationship. I hit small milestones or accomplishments in my life and I don't have that person to call and not brag but just share the news with. I liked the feeling of knowing that I made her proud in some sense. When I see girls my age with their mothers shopping or laughing, I get really emotional. It's not emotional to where I look away & go on with whatever I'm doing, it's more of I catch myself staring with a lump in my throat wondering how it would be with she and I, if she was still here.There is an emptyiness I can't really put into words, and I'll be real frank with you readers, I'm just now dealing with it and I should've years ago. I like to try and push myself physically but I'm at a point in my life that I think I need to do that emotionally as well. I just want to try and be the best version of me. I need to start dealing with these feelings differently when they surface. Who knew I'd start dealing with it this late in the game?

My life will never be the same without this beautiful woman, but I think I'm going to need to dig a little deeper and tap into some feelings. I need to deal with some things I've been putting on the back burner, so that I can grow a heart like hers. I want a future with a husband and some kiddos someday but I think I gotta work on me before any of that happens. I want to be able to be the mother to my children that she was to me.

When I went to a family reunion at the beginning of the month, a family member gave me some old photos of my mom. I couldn't be more thrilled to have them. If you knew my mom, she was always the photographer, so there are little photos of her. I like to tell myself that's why I'm so crazy papparazzi on people - I think I just picked up on her idea of capturing memories to be looked back on later.

Sidenote: Can you imagine styling your hair like this on the daily in HIGHSCHOOL? so weird. Like, I went to school with my hair wet & in a ponytail haha!

“I truly believe that the death of my mother has made me the way I am today. I am a survivor, mentally strong, determined, strongwilled, self-reliant, and independent. I also keep most of my pain, anger and feelings inside. "

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