Thursday, November 12, 2015

Missing you like crazy, what's new?

Today would have been my mom’s 66th birthday…. So yeah she would’ve been old. Would’ve being the key word here. She actually only got to live 51 of those years, and I got 15 precious years.

You know, I was once told by someone that I don’t get to pick and choose when I want to feel and react accordingly when I get feelings regarding my mom’s death. Unfortunately this is very much true. I don't know that when I was told this that it was spoken in a positive light but after thinking about it I've turned it from being negative into a positive. I know that sometimes others say hurtful things because they just don't get it. I think in them saying this it helped me to understand others. It's never really a choice of when I feel something but I can't expect others to understand me if they have not gone through what I have or experienced the feeling of emptyiness that comes with losing your mother not even a month after your 16th birthday, but I would never wish it upon someone... Regardless, I hope that I’m justified in posting about my mother today, if not, then stop reading. Because this post, this post, is going to be all about her.  
This happens every single year around this time. The seasons begin to change and my mood shifts. I know that your birthday and the holidays are just around the corner and I will be dealing with a whirlwind of emotions. I’m always happy to be around our family, laughing with Hank, Jack, Zach, Wes, Sadie and the one who never got to meet you, Brentli. Mom, you would have LOVED her. She would have loved YOU. It’s so weird, not the part where you guys would love each other so much, but the part where you aren’t around these days. I always think Chandra has your strength when it comes to these things. Your birthday, the holidays, just doing things without you here. Because I know we all hate you not being here, she just deals with it better, at least on the outside. You know I just grow quiet, keep to myself, find ways to vent through writing, painting or going for a run. I’m learning to deal with the emotions a little better though, I used to just crawl in bed as soon as I got home from work and sleep so that I wasn't awake to think. It was my only way of controlling these feelings that I get.But Will’s helped me with it, I never thought I’d be able to show him or anyone that side of me. I wish you could know him; the grown up version of him, you’d love him for me. He's not the boy you knew back in high school. I think you’d love his smile, I know how you love people's smiles. (i do too) Oh and his goofy little quirks, all the things I love about him, you’d love. I often think about what we would do on your birthday now, if we had the opportunity to get to spend it together. How cool it would be to be able to take you out to lunch and be the one to pay. Last I remember, you were still throwing me $2.50 for the snack bar so I didn’t have to eat at the cafeteria. By the way, I’m sure God’s told you by now that I was puking that crap up in the toilet shortly after I ate it. With that said, sorry I was so wasteful back then. I assure you, that wouldn’t happen now. And you should have probably just told me that the ndn’s paid for me to save yourself money. I would have understood. Unfortunately, you didn’t, and I know it’s because you just wanted me to have something I wanted…

I think about how I’d invite you to go grab lunch at a place you’ve never been before. Maybe we’d get lunch then go on a walk around the Myriad Gardens. I think about all these places I’ve gone to as a “grownup” and realize that some of the places although they are free to visit, you’ve never gone. That’s because you worked your ass off all of the time. We were poor, I know that now, but back then you hid it well from us kids. You lived for seeing us smile. I ache because I can’t see your smile on a daily basis, only in photos. And I have those, and look at one in particular every single day. It’s just not the same as having you here. This morning, I thought about how if you were still here, how I’d set my alarm so that I could wake up and be the first kid to call you. Would I get you a gift that was sentimental and fancy or would I play a practical joke and get you a basket full of fortune cookies? We all know how much you loved those. In saying that, I laugh at how you made us crack up by the way you would act absolutely disgusted at the sight of them. I can’t even remember now what fortune cookies ever did to you that made you start hating them?!? I know I’d get you a birthday cake with whipped icing, I know you hate the butter icing.

I don’t know,  I just have this feeling that things in my life would be so different if you were still around, I still have a lot of questions I want to ask you, things I want to do with you, and stuff I just want to share with you. And I know this is how it’s supposed to be. It’s just most days I hate the fact you aren’t still around. I miss you a bunch.

Happy birthday! I told God to tell you, but just in case he was too busy answering everyone else’s prayers…


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